Staring Childbirth in the Eyes; Taking Back Control as a Gift to Our Children

As I embark upon my journey as a first time Mom, I have found the learning process thus far to be eye-opening to say the least.
I began my unofficial prenatal education a few years ago. My husband's business was picking up, and I was able to leave my job in business banking to help him out at home. Well I wasn't home a week before my husband dropped the bomb that he was ready to start trying for a baby.
There's never been a question as to whether or not I wanted to have kids someday.. in fact a small army would do - the promise of camp-outs, homemade Halloween costumes, PTA meetings and piano recitals thrills me to my very soul.. but getting a baby into the world was another story all together.

I was a measly 98lbs soaking wet, and the thought of pushing a human out of me made me fear for my life. My experience with childbirth was all holllywood... a sweaty, dishevelled, weak woman lying on her back, holding on for dear life while she screamed bloody murder. A horror scene.. bleh! Not to mention my own Sister in law is sworn off of having children all together because of how horrifying her own birth experience was. All I knew is that it was the WORST thing a woman could experience.
SO, I had a choice. Let fear rule my life, or take the reigns and look this birth thing in the eyes and find out the truth.

It began with my childhood friend Christa suggesting I watch "The Business of Being Born". I was blown away.. seriously blown away. This movie gave me hope that it wasn't inevitable that I have a horrifying birth experience. Click here to read my review/post about BBOB.
From there I began talking to people. Moms who gave birth in hospitals, at home, with an OB, with a Doula, with a Midwife. A pattern began to emerge that shocked me. I hadn't heard one experience that was positive about a traditional hospital/OB birth. Even the moms who said they had a low risk birth, and minimal intervention from the hospital staff, confessed that they were upset that their OB was not who delivered their baby, but a stranger on-call Nurse/Dr. The OB was afterall the person who they'd gotten to know all of these months through their prenatal appointments, their educator in this new life experience, the person who they'd come to know and trust with precious life they were creating. A life experience such a childbirth surely deserves at least the comfort of knowing the person who is handling this precious life for the first time, no? Not one person I talked to who had this experience was comfortable with this arrangement, letting a stranger deliver the baby... so why do we let it happen?

I would certainly be a hypocrite if I did not look at both sides of the coin. So, I made prenatal appointments with both an OB and a Midwife. I planned to sit down with each, have a real, cut-the-crap conversation about my birth experience with each of them, then take the info away, and together with my husband, make a real informed decision about the direction we would take.

I actually had high expectations for the OB. She is the leader in her field at a teaching hospital, young, personable, quite nice. My appointment went something like this:

OB: Hi I'm (the OB)
Me: Hi
OB: This will be a boring appt. it's more paperwork than anything

2 min. of filling out paperwork - me answering routine medical questions like first day of last cycle etc. etc.

OB: Okay, well that's all I need.. let's listen to the heartbeat, and you can go. (Red Flag #1 - this is my 
first baby, I have so many questions, we don't get to sit down and talk for a while? )

We listen to the heartbeat.. it's awesome of course :)

OB: Okay, that's it!
Me: Well I have a couple of questions, can we talk?
OB: Sure.
Me: I'd like to know your thoughts on natural childbirth?
OB: Well childbirth hurts, you're going to want something for it. (Red Flag #2 - no consideration of what experience I want to have. From my education thus far I want to try for a natural birth - no offer of support on this? or at least an offer of supporting information as to why I shouldn't have a natural birth other than "it's going to hurt"? no pros and cons? no open discussion at all? Where do me any my baby come into this "procedure"?)
Me: How do you feel about minimal intervention from the hospital staff if it's not necessary?
OB: If you want minimal intervention I suggest you wait as long as possible to come in when you go into labour. That way you're here at the last minute and we can't do anything else but deliver the baby. (Red Flag #3 - washing your hands of care, and the possibility of coming up with and following a birth plan. Why not just tell me to deliver the baby myself? {which isn't looking like a bad idea at this point} This person is supposed to help me bring a child into this world - what I hear is that this is a medical procedure. This is not a life experience, but a thing that has to be done. I feel like a number at this point)
Me: Will you be present for the birth?
OB: Well it depends... the Dr.s work shifts, so it's unlikely that I will be working when you go into labour. The only way I can guarantee I will deliver the baby is if it's a high risk pregnancy and you need a c-section, or if you schedule a c-section before hand. Which reminds me, I almost forgot, I need you to sign this form. This just says you give consent to allow whoever is on call to deliver the baby. (Big Ol' Red Flag #4 - the very thing I wanted to avoid. I want to know and trust the person handling my baby for the first time. I don't care what you are on paper.. a stranger is a stranger! Not to mention, the bit about scheduling a c-section to guarantee she will deliver? No discussion or mention at all of the pros or cons of having an elective c-section? I hate to think of how many women just schedule the c-section in order to guarantee the OB will deliver; and that's a huge decision to be made without the proper information needed to do so... it's disturbing almost. )
Me: Um... can I take this home to read it?
OB: Unusual, but I guess you could just bring it back next time.

This is the form she wanted me to sign, without any proper discussion of why I would sign this, what it was - had I not asked her the questions I did, we wouldn't have even had the small conversation we did.

Unless the OB thought the 5 min. conversation we had just had was all we needed to talk about? Nevertheless, this scared the bejeesus out of me.

So I don't even have to go into the details of my first Midwife visit. We sat down for a long time and hashed it all out.. It was like night and day. No question in my husband and my mind what direction we are going in. And I feel SO blessed to have the opportunity to have my midwifes support. If people only knew how amazing the care is - I wish I could scream it from the rooftops!

I can't help but think about  how many women walk into that OB office and just sign away.. just do what they are told b/c they don't know any different. They trust the OB.. and why shouldn't they? what else do they have to go on that their experience could be so much better? How would they know that they have an opportunity to have a blissful birth experience? How would they know that they could have the choice not to be medicated; not to have counteractive drugs imposed on them potentially harming the baby? There is just TOO much that expecting mothers do not know. And I don't think OB's have any malicious intent.. not at all.. just that they are used to doing "business" in a certain way. But as far as I'm concerned, my baby's birth is not a business transaction.

I will be giving birth at a hospital under the care of our midwife who will be delivering our baby. I can walk around, and take my time if needed. I can give birth in a bed, or in a tub, or squat on the floor if it feels right! I can have music playing to calm me, and I am in a private room. I have choices!!! I know who is delivering our baby and I trust her. And should there be any complications, heaven forbid, I am in the right place to receive the care I need. Not to mention the 6 weeks aftercare that we will receive. For the first few weeks they will be in home visits. Can you believe the Midwife will come to us? - who wants to trek a newborn out and about right away anyway? It just makes sense.

This post is about my disappointment with the way a "life experience" is treated like a "medical procedure" in the medical community - and how that is conveyed to expecting mothers as such. It is also about trying to educate women. I am not judging anyone for choosing an OB. I am not judging anyone for wanting an epidural, or for whatever decision they make. But I can't stress enough the importance of making an informed decision!!! Who have you talked to to get your info? what resources do you have? take a look at both sides.. don't just ask your OB, or the people working in her office.. talk to mothers who have had all kinds of birth experiences. READ, watch movies like BOBB, call up a midwife collective and ask to have a meeting to get info. Talk to people online.. Have an open mind. The best gift we can give our unborn children is the gift of our own education.  Obtaining this type of education is FREE and EASY.  Afterall, we are being given the gift of bringing a life into the world.. how can we take that for granted? - It is our responsibility to make our children's journey into this world the best it can be.

***please note, that I do not intend to say that choosing an OB is a bad choice, or that all OB's shouldn't be trusted, that is certainly not the case.  I simply wanted to share my personal experience. The sharing of experiences can be the best form of education around.. and I do encourage everyone to share their stories, good and bad. Cheers :)

UPDATE: We did end up having a beautiful homebirth afterall! I wouldn't have changed a single thing about it. Natural birth is painful, but not like the media makes it out to be. That's a sure topic for another post ;) And now that #2 is on the way, we will without question choose the same route.